For many, the adoption process begins by surveying agency information, evaluating financial considerations and tackling mountains of paperwork, all while working through a complex array of questions, doubts and even fears. One important, but often overlooked, aspect is the need to engage the adoption journey from the “inside out” – through ongoing, honest self-reflection and self-evaluation.
Watch as Dr. Purvis briefly explains the heart behind Created To Connect: A Christian’s Guide to The Connected Child:
Click here to download the entire Created To Connect study guide or download it chapter-by-chapter.
I was reminded last night of something I already knew, though I often try to forget it. It is one of the more sobering realities of adoption – the fact that there is no adoption without loss and pain . . . and grief.
As an adoptive dad, like all adoptive parents, my tendency is to focus on the miracle, blessing and joy of adoption – and rightfully so. These are the undeniably beautiful realities of the adoption journey. But they do not negate the equally unavoidable reality that there is no adoption without loss and pain. Adoption is at the same time born from and a response to hurt, loss and sorrow.
The February 2010 issue of Adoption Today features an article entitled Becoming More Real to My Kids. The article focuses on the need for us as parents to more fully embrace our children holistically, including those parts of their past and present which can be difficult and painful.
Along with the joys and blessings of adoption and foster care come some difficult and often painful realities – issues such as grief, loss, abandonment, past trauma and the need for forgiveness, just to name a few. It is important for adoptive and foster parents to be prepared to help their children navigate these emotional and complex issues, and to make sense of their own personal story as well.
This talk, entitled Not Your Everday Conversation: Talking with Your Children About the Difficult Realities of Adoption and Foster Care, was presented by Michael and Amy Monroe at the 2009 Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Conference. The talk focuses on these and other issues in an open and honest way, and provides specific tools to help parents effectively communicate with their children about the difficult realities of their past in order to help prepare them for their future.
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You can also download the handouts for this presentation.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure . . . or so the saying goes. When it comes to adoption, what parents need instead of prevention is an ounce (or more) of preparation. Many adoptive parents can attest to just how critical it is to be prepared for the challenges that can arise. Likewise, these parents know the importance of staying connected, sticking together as a couple and a family and always maintaining a healthy perspective throughout the adoption journey.
Help! We’re Adopting, from the August 2009 issue of Adoption Today magazine, focuses on these important aspects of the adoption journey, offering helpful tips for those who are waiting, in the ‘adoption honeymoon’ period and beyond.
I can vividly remember the moment that I saw my oldest son for the first time. I’m not talking about the day I first laid eyes on him when he was only 18 days old, or the next day when we brought him home, changing our lives forever. I’m talking instead about that cool November afternoon, nearly two years from the day we first met, when I began to look beyond all of my assumptions and even hopes and dreams concerning my son, and caught my first glimpse of the “real” him. That was the first time I believe I truly met my son, as I started to let go of who I thought he was and would become and began to fully embrace the adventure of discovering who God had uniquely made him to be.
“Why do you want to adopt?” I asked Joanie and Don innocently enough. It’s a question we ask virtually everyone at some point as they open up to us about wanting to pursue adoption. She replied, “Because there are so many kids out there who need a home and a family. I think we can save one.” Her response struck a chord in me.
If we’re honest what Joanie expressed has probably occurred to each of us in some way or another. As we listen to the heartbreaking stories of orphans and waiting children or see firsthand the realities of hopelessness and despair in orphanages, this simple, yet deeply compassionate notion of rescuing a child with a difficult past and an uncertain future likely floods our hearts and minds. And yet, this heartfelt sentiment is at best an incomplete motivation for deciding to travel the adoption journey.
We were sitting on the couch just before bed time and I was reading to Grant. He was only days away from his sixth birthday.
Grant has never been much into ruminating or talking about things connected to his adoption. He is fairly reliable for a glancing question or parting comment here and there, but in terms of “parking” on the subject, it just never seems to hold his interest. But instead, this night he bent his head back and looked up at me revealing large tears forming in his little brown eyes. As his lip curled down and the tears began to roll down his cheek he exclaimed as he exhaled “I miss my birthmommy.”
I don’t talk with my kids about adoption. It’s not that I don’t think it is a good idea – it certainly is. It’s just that, even though all four of my children were adopted, they have no interest in “talking” about it. At this age they seem to much prefer chatting about it . . . . . casually, when and if they feel like it and on their terms. So that’s what we do, and I love every chance I get.