When we love people, we invite their brokenness and mess into our lives. Mess is inconvenient; it takes our time, energy, and sometimes money to make it better. Despite our efforts, the mess cannot always be fully contained. It spills over and touches the people who dare to stand near.

We lived in Colorado for six years prior to moving to Idaho. During those years I suffered from an autoimmune disorder that was a constant challenge. I had many medical appointments, took medication that made me feel a bit crazy, gave birth to two babies, was hospitalized with a blood clot, ruptured a disc (requiring surgery) during our daughter’s birth, had surgery again (with complications), and so much more. This all happened while Russ was adjusting to his first faculty position at a university. My life was messy.

My disorder finally went into remission and we moved to Idaho. Nobody here knew me as the woman who was “always sick” or “needed a lot of help.” I loved it. I was free from that old life and I had the rare chance to start over. Our life was good in so many ways – we had a new home, new church, and new friends. I enjoyed homeschooling my children and they were thriving. I had two flares of my blood disorder, one quite severe, but we made it through.

Then God called us to adopt our children –and life got messy again. Our children from “hard places” struggled and we struggled right along with them. We became needy and could not manage alone. I determined that if somebody asked if I needed help, I would always answer “Yes.” Many times I had the humbling experience of seeking help from my friends.

I’m not the friend I used to be. I rarely host guests for dinner, I almost never take a meal to somebody with a new baby, my house is no longer tidy, my children are not always well-behaved (and that is putting it mildly). In short, my life is messy.

God knows what we need. He knows what we can manage and what we can’t. Best of all, He never leaves us –never.

I yearn for a tidy life; it suits me. I feel comfortable with tidy. I want to be the woman who has it all together, who drops off muffins an hour after a new baby is born, whose children have beautifully braided hair and matching Easter dresses, who mails birthday cards on time and answers emails before they are weeks old. But that isn’t the life God has for me, at least not right now. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever see that life again, and my heart hurts thinking about it.

Yet, I want what God wants. I want to lay down my life to do the good work He has for me. Will this bring pain into my life? Yes, it already has. Is it worth it? Yes, and yes again. I have a front row seat to the healing power of God in my children and family. My life may not always be pretty, and sometimes I worry about the future. I miss the life I used to have, but when I think about Jesus, my heart is easier and my burden is lighter.

My life may be messy – but I pray that it is beautiful to the One who matters most.

Recognizing that many adoptive and foster families face various food and nutrition-related issues, the Spoon Foundation and the Joint Council on International Children’s Services have launched a new online resource — www.adoptionnutrition.org — that focuses on nutrition for adoptive and foster families.

As explained on the adoptionnutrition.org website, “While foster and adopted children may appear healthy on the outside, they may very well be deficient in key nutrients that could impact future growth and brain development. These deficiencies develop because many vulnerable children do not receive proper nutrition in their early years.” In response, this online resource offers a broad range of information and advice that is helpful for both pre- and post-adoptive and foster parents.

Parents must always be mindful to look at their children holistically — body, soul and spirit.  In doing so, it is important to understand and meet the needs of your child’s body, including your child’s nutritional needs.  The new adoptionnutrition.org website can help adoptive and foster parents do just that.

For additional insights from Dr. Purvis concerning food-related issues, watch Engaging Food Battles with Connection in Mind.

For more insight about building an effective team to better love and serve your child, read Lisa Qualls’ article, It Takes a Team.

Let me share some of the members of our team in the hope that it may encourage you to think about the
support your family needs.

Health Care Providers
Before adoption I was a mom who rarely gave her children Tylenol; today we have a team of four different clinics at Seattle Children’s Hospital that care for our children. We travel there at least once every three months for appointments and sometimes more frequently. We also have an occupational therapist, dentist, optometrist, and the occasional quick care doctor on our team as well. Two of my children take medication twice a day, every day. And after a few false starts, I finally developed a monthly prescription refill schedule to manage the challenge of staying on top of medications.

School
Before adoption we were a homeschooling family, and we did not anticipate school outside the home would become part of our lives. But after our adoptions we discovered that it was what two of our children needed, so we’ve added teachers, room moms, and classmates to our lives. A couple of our children need some extra help in school, so that leads me to…

Tutors
Since arriving home our girls have had several wonderful tutors who helped them catch up on language skills. Last spring I hired a “homework helper” who helped us through the end of the school year, including all of those pesky projects like dioramas. The combination of school still being new, English not being their first language, and simply being behind on their education means the girls need extra help, so tutors have become an important part of our team.

Therapists
We are blessed to have an amazing therapist for our children. We travel regularly for appointments, requiring a significant sacrifice of time and finances, but the benefits for our children and our family continue to be remarkable. Before adoption I never imagined we would need the help of a therapist, but today I cannot imagine our team without this experienced and compassionate member of our team who really understands trauma, attachment, and grief.

Therapeutic Adults/Respite
We have special friends who are very much part of our team, providing loving, secure care for our children. My dear friend (fondly known as Aunt Michele) and her family are a key part of our daughter’s team. Every Wednesday afternoon, she goes home from school with Aunt Michele and stays until after dinner. Michele and her husband understand our daughter’s needs and how to help her grow and mature in a healthy way. This relationship is a key part of her healing and a great source of help for us as parents.

In addition, a young couple in our church recently began offering respite to us. They love children and have the experience, education, and compassionate hearts to care for our daughter. This is an answer to prayer.

Extended family can also be a critical part of a family’s team, but sadly for us, we don’t have any family that lives near enough to be involved with our children on a regular basis. If you have family near, I encourage you to seek their help and support even as you help them to understand what your children need and how to effectively provide it.

Helpers
I mentioned that last spring I hired a “Homework Helper” (a high school girl) for two of my daughters. She greatly helped to alleviate much of the “after school pressure” we all were experiencing. This past summer I also had a helper who took the kids to the park, on hikes, and even on a trip to the store to buy flip-flops. I’ve also had a young woman clean my house a few times; a luxury I never allowed myself before.

If you have children who are old enough to babysit, you may not see the need to hire helpers. However, we have learned that there are times when we need to lift the burden off of our older children as well and not rely too heavily on them. In addition, we have one child we generally don’t leave in the care of siblings because it is stressful for everyone.

Hiring helpers is difficult for families whose budgets are already stretched caring for our children. A gift from somebody who loves us has made it possible. We’ve come to understand that it is important for us to “invest” in our children and our family now, so that we don’t “pay later” when the problems are more severe and everyone is completely exhausted.

Church and Youth Ministry
We are very thankful for the blessings we receive from our church and particularly the people committed to loving and teaching the youth. Until recently, we did not attend a church that had a youth group and we saw no need for it. One of the many changes in our lives has been leaving our church of ten years to join a church that fits our family better. Not only do our children from “hard places” benefit from the love our church family shows them, but so do our other children.

Whether you are just beginning to prepare to bring new children into your family or you adopted years ago, I encourage you to take time to think about what your family’s needs might be. Perhaps you have extended family or good friends who can become a more integral part of your team, but you simply need to invite them to join. Maybe you need to seek out a therapist or meet with a teacher to invite them to join your team to help your children heal and grow. Regardless, let me encourage you to lay down any excuses or pride that may be holding you back from seeking help and building a team to provide your child the love and care that he or she needs. Don’t try to tough it out and make it on your own. Create your “team” starting today, and let others hold you up when you are weary. Everyone will benefit more than you can imagine.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis encourages parents to ‘count the cost’ as they engage the adoption and foster care journey in a way that leads to true hope and healing.

Click here for more Empowered To Connect resources that focus on helping parents ‘count the cost’ of the adoption and foster care journey.

The next Empowered To Connect Conference will be held on September 23-24, 2011, in Nashville, Tennessee at Brentwood Baptist Church. Online registration is open and the early bird rate is available through Wednesday, June 1.

Visit www.etcconference.org for more details and to register online. And, for a limited time, 1/2 off registrations discounts are available due to a generous grant from Focus on the Family. Simply use the code FOCUS when registering online to receive this discount.

The Trust-Based Parenting DVD offers in-depth training for parents of children with trauma-based behavioral issues. The Trust-Based Relational Intervention® (TBRI®) is a unique intervention model created by developmental psychologists Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross, founders of the Institute of Child Development. It is based on more than a decade of research and hands-on work with vulnerable children and their families.

Dr. Purvis coined the phrase “children from hard places” to describe children who have experienced abuse, neglect, abandonment and/or trauma in early development. Their survival behaviors can be confusing, frustrating and difficult to manage even for the most patient and loving parents.

This nearly four-hour video features Drs. Purvis and Cross coaching families through real-life, problem-solving scenarios. They demonstrate proven, practical skills and strategies for applying TBRI principles (Empowering, Connecting and Correcting) to everyday life to build a stronger parent-child connection, which leads to better behavior. Parents from around the world praise TBRI for giving them hope in times of crisis and lifelong solutions that can benefit the entire family.

Click here to view the menu for the Trust-Based Parenting DVD. You can order this DVD as well as the other great DVDs from the Institute online at http://www.child.tcu.edu/DVD%20sales.asp.

In less than one year we have distributed 6,000 printed copies of the study guide, and more than that same number of people have downloaded the study guide online. We have heard from dozens of churches that are regularly using the study guide in support groups and discussion groups. Likewise, many agencies and countless families from across the country have turned to the study guide to find hope and help.

We have just recently printed 11,000 more copies of the study guide and it is our prayer that God will continue to use this resource to encourage and inform adoptive and foster families. Over the coming days, we will highlight some of the stories and insights from the study guide on the Empowered To Connect site.

If you have not had a chance to read the Created To Connect Study Guide and prayerfully consider the discussion questions contained in its pages, we encourage you to do so. Maybe you can get together with other couples in your church, or maybe you can form a group of adoptive and foster moms from your neighborhood — or maybe you and your spouse simply need to commit some time to work through the guide. However may be best for you, we encourage you to make this resource part of your journey.

You can dowload and print (free of charge) the Created To Connect Study Guide, or you can order printed and bound copies from Empowered To Connect.  Click here to find the download links as well as more details about ordering printed copies of the study guide.

Watch as Dr. Purvis briefly explains the heart behind Created To Connect:

Click here to download (free of charge) the entire study guide or chapter-by-chapter. You can also find out more detail about how to purchase printed and bound copies of the guide.

Our prayer hope is that adoptive and foster families will find hope and help through this unique resource.