Recently, a friend and I leaned against my kitchen counter, watching our children play in the backyard. As we sipped coffee we chatted about a young couple in our church that is in the process of adopting two children.  We reminisced about the time when we were in their shoes, recalling how little we truly knew and understood about the road that lay ahead.  My friend and I agreed — we wished we could share all we have learned since that time about adopting children from “hard places.” We wished that someone had done the same for us.

As we talked, I realized that much of what we have learned along the way might be helpful to more than just this couple. They are good lessons and timely reminders for all of us who are on the adoption journey, no matter how far along.

I would encourage my friends to give up their pride and their desire to compare. I thought I was a fairly humble person, but adopting my children has brought me to my knees when it comes to thinking highly of myself and my capabilities as a mother. My oldest daughter was a hard baby and a challenging toddler, but once I got on the ‘Christian Mommy Discipline Train,’ she shaped up pretty well. That doesn’t mean I never had a child misbehave or throw a tantrum in public. I won’t even mention the time that four-year-old Noah pulled the fire alarm at church and the congregation had to evacuate the building. There were embarrassing moments to be sure. But this…this kind of parenting brings a different sort of humility.

In my first 20 years of being a mother, before adopting, I was never so stumped or so completely empty of wisdom as I have been at times in trying to be a good parent to the children we have welcomed into our lives through adoption. I never read so many books, pored over so many websites, or called so many experts in search of help. I never took my child to a therapist or felt that I might need one myself. I never called my husband home from work because a child was so distressed or out-of-control that I couldn’t keep everyone safe—and not just once, but many times. And as someone who was a passionate homeschooler, I never had to seek out alternatives to homeschooling because it wasn’t working. I never thought about acronyms such as IEP, RAD, or PTSD. I never sent an email to my friends telling them I couldn’t manage the summer on my own, and asking if they would be willing to help.  Based on my years of experience as a successful parent, I thought I had it all figured out, only to find out that as we began the adoption journey I was, in many ways, completely starting over.

But I quickly learned that there were many other things I did not know from my previous years as a mother.  I didn’t know the indescribable joy of watching a child fall in love with me. I didn’t know the beauty of holding a child in my arms and fiercely loving her even though I had only met her weeks before. I didn’t know the agony of waiting for a child who was 8,000 miles away, or seeing her turn her face to me for the first time and come into my arms. I didn’t know the hope I would feel when I saw sad and tender tears on my child’s face for the first time, after months of anger and frustration. I didn’t know how incredible it would feel to hear my child say, “I love you, Mommy. You are the best Mom!” when I knew this was truly a revelation to her.

To those who are considering adopting a child from a “hard place” as well as those who are already traveling this journey toward healing, I say: be ready to lay down your pride and abandon yourself to love.  It will be different than you think—better in some ways and much harder in others. Find a few people you can trust, friends you can call at any hour, friends who will understand and love your children even when they seem unlovable. Don’t pressure your child to become like your other children who have been raised with loving guidance and discipline since birth. And do not, under any circumstances, compare your newly adopted child with your friends’ children. You will live to regret it. Rather, give your child time and permission to heal, and become a committed and active participant in that healing. It won’t be easy nor is it likely to come quickly.  This healing will take a great deal of your time, energy, and finances…but give it all away for your child’s sake.

I have come to learn that it is precisely this kind of adoption journey – a journey of humility, selflessness and sacrificial love – that God called us to when He called us to adopt.  I suppose Eby’s vacation Bible school verse says it best:

He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you? But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. — Micah 6:8

Amen.

*Lisa Qualls has been married to her husband Russ for 26 years, and is the mother of eleven children who came to her by both birth and adoption.  As she winds her way through the challenges of attachment, trauma, healing and life, she shares what she is learning in the hope of helping other families.  She earnestly believes in the power of God to heal children’s broken hearts and is privileged to participate in that process with her own children.  Her life is a journey filled with moderate successes and some brilliant failures, all covered by the grace of Jesus Christ. Lisa also writes about her life and family on her blog, A Bushel and A Peck.

In this brief video, Dr. Purvis explains the need for parents to focus specifically on the child that God has called them to love and care for, and to parent that child in a way that can bring hope, healing and joy.

Listen as Dr. Purvis talks about the realities for children from hard places and encourages parents to “count the cost”:

http://familylife.edgeboss.net/download/familylife/flpod/fl20100322.mp3

Listen as Dr. Purvis talks about the importance of parents having realistic expectations as they begin and travel the adoption or foster care journey:

http://familylife.edgeboss.net/download/familylife/flpod/fl20100323.mp3

Listen as Dr. Purvis offers tools and strategies for parents to help them connect with their children to help them heal and become all that God intends:

http://familylife.edgeboss.net/download/familylife/flpod/fl20100324.mp3

Starting from the Inside

We know how important it is for adoptive parents to engage in a self-evaluation process intentionally focused on assessing their motivations for adopting and examining their expectations about what they will likely experience. While this process may be time consuming and even at times a bit uncomfortable, it is always time well spent.

Properly Motivated — Being honest about motivations can be a tricky thing. However, it is critically important that you start with healthy motivations. It is not so much that there is one single “right” motivation for adopting, as there are several wrong motivations — motivations that often can lead to great disappointment and much hurt and heartache for everyone involved.

At its core, adoption should not be a humanitarian cause aimed at “rescuing” a poor, orphaned child or “fixing” a broken child, as heartbreaking as their children’s realities may be. It is equally important not to adopt in order to try to prove something or to make a point, nor because it is the “in” thing or even the “Christian thing” to do. Invariably, motivations such as these can cause a parent to bring a great deal of unnecessary “baggage” to the new parent-child relationship, resulting in unrealistic expectations, disappointment and a host of other negative outcomes.

Instead, a primary motivation for adopting must always be love — love that a parent has and is willing and able to unconditionally give to a child for a lifetime. This love is not merely a sentiment or a feeling, but rather a true commitment of the heart, soul, mind and body. Motivated by this kind of love, parents are far better well-positioned to partner with their child in order to build a healthy and trusting relationship. With this foundation parents can then begin to empower their children, help them heal and allow them to fully experience the blessings of a forever family.

Ultimately, adoption must be more about the child than it is about the parent. Although there is no denying the “mutual blessing” of adoption, it is essential that parents be willing to ask themselves difficult questions and provide honest answers to ensure that they are properly motivated and can thus provide the necessary foundations for a healthy relationship and a positive outcome.

Realistically Expecting — Adoptive parents who maintain realistic expectations throughout the entire adoption journey are far more likely to thrive even in the midst of the challenges that often arise. As a family travels the adoption journey it is essential that they avoid overly romanticized notions of how the adoption experience will unfold. There will undoubtedly be major milestones, “miracle moments” and breakthroughs filled with joy as a child begins to receive and respond to the love and care showered upon him or her. However, there will also likely be some amount of frustration, disappointment and pain as well.

No doubt every family truly believes they are adopting the “perfect child.” However, early on in the adoption process our heads often know, though our hearts may forget, that even though you may adopt the “perfect child” for your family, your child is not “perfect.” The good news, however, is neither are you. So every adoptive family should fully expect to encounter some challenges and bumps along the roadway as together they seek to learn and develop a healthy, trusting relationship. Our experience is that no family is completely immune.

The challenges start right away for some families, and unrealistic expectations can have a lot to do with both the cause and the ultimate outcomes. Some families travel half way around the world to adopt a young child and when they arrive at the orphanage they may unrealistically expect the child to instantaneously connect with them and them with him or her — the so-called “mommy or daddy moment.” While this does sometimes happen, for many reasons it is not always, or even generally, the norm. In fact, children who seem to instantly “attach” may be in reality exhibiting an attachment issue called “indiscriminate friendliness,” which will require guidance over time to help them understand how to create a healthy parent-child attachment.

Likewise, some adoptive parents choose to adopt older children only to be surprised that after a short “honeymoon” period the child, plucked from an orphanage in another country and culture and removed from all that is familiar and “safe” to him or her, is not grateful and compliant. Instead, the parents find themselves struggling with issues relating to communication, making good decisions and learning to follow the rules. More generally, they find themselves facing the challenge of helping the child fully understand what it means to be part of a family.

Regardless of the challenge or issue that arises it is all important to remember that the solutions and successes will not come over night. What is called for is “investment parenting,” though for many of us, accustomed to our fast paced society of instant gratification and quick results, the “return” on the “investment” is painfully slow in coming. The “investment” can be made in any number of ways, such as
taking time off work for an extended period after a child comes home in order to help him or her connect with the new family. Some families make the “investment” by not putting the child in school or daycare immediately to allow for more time and interaction with parents and family members.

When a child comes into our family through birth we naturally expect several months of sleepless nights, dirty diapers and constant attention. Likewise, when a child comes into our family through adoption, parents should expect to make an equal “investment” of time to help the child feel safe and connected, even if the diapers and feedings are replaced with One additional key to creating realistic expectations is to be sure not to travel the adoption journey alone. Other adoptive families can often be the best resource for helping sift through what to realistically expect. It is important, however, that these experienced adoptive families are willing to be honest and open about their experiences – both the highs and the lows. Support groups, church ministries and other communities of families are a great place to connect with families like these to learn about what you should realistically expect and how you can best be prepared to respond.

It’s Never Too Late to Ask the Right Questions

While honest and critical self-evaluation is vitally important early on in the adoption process, it is never too late for parents to start looking “inside” to ask themselves the right questions. As challenges and issues with a child arise it is all too easy for parents to assume that the problem, and therefore the solution, lies completely with the child. However, this assumption can often mask the true reality and serve to only further prolong the pain and frustration.

It is critical for parents to be willing to not only assess their motivations and expectations on an ongoing basis, but to also be willing to explore their own histories and address what they may find. In order to guide a child toward healing, parents need to know the path themselves. All things being equal, parents who fearlessly explore their own history and how it may affect their parenting are parents who are generally better prepared to welcome a child home and begin partnering with their child so they can connect and heal.

Melanie Chung Sherman, an independent adoption social worker in Texas and a Korean adoptee herself, explains: “Parenting can bring an array of emotions and feelings to the surface. When parents build their families through adoption, many times unresolved issues such as grief and loss due to infertility, past abuse and neglect, past addictions or health problems come to the surface. The child’s deep needs can often trigger these unresolved issues of the past and the impacts can ultimately find their way to the child. If parents do not intentionally and honestly assess themselves and begin to work toward healing for unresolved issues, the adoption dynamics can compound these past traumas and prevent parents from fully embracing the complexities and joys of the adoption journey. Self-assessment and self-evaluation must go well beyond the home-study and become an ongoing part of how to engage the adoption journey as it unfolds. It is no doubt messy and difficult, but the long-term rewards will be substantial for the well-being of the child and the entire family.”

This is reinforced by recent research from the TCU Institute of Child Development documenting specific critical parent issues that can become hindrances to positive outcomes for adoptive families if the issues are not explored and resolved. These issues include childhood losses such as the death of a parent, death of a sibling, divorce, alcoholism of a parent, trauma, neglect or abuse. Adult losses that need to be explored include miscarriage, divorce, death of a loved one and trauma. In addition, numerous researchers have documented significant positive shifts in families where the parents are able to process their own histories. In turn, these parents are empowered and able to guide their children through a similar process.

Approaching adoption from the “inside out” is an important ongoing part of the adoption journey that can be incredibly beneficial for both you and your child. The life-long journey of adoption is filled with blessings and joy, though it can also bring its fair share of challenges, loss and pain. In the end, however, we have come to believe that the truest blessing of adoption is not in living “happily ever after,” but rather in the God-kissed opportunity to unconditionally give your love away with the hope that your gift will be fully accepted and will transform the life of a child – forever.

A Few Questions to Consider . . .

Here are a few questions that can help you examine your motivations, expectations and any unresolved issues that may affect your ability to fully connect with your child:

• What are the reasons why I want to adopt?

• Is adoption more about me or the child I will welcome into my family?

• What issues or challenges do I expect to encounter as I parent my children? How do I plan to deal with those issues and challenges?

• How will I respond if things don’t turn out as I have planned after I bring my child home?

• How will those around me, such as friends and family, react if things do not go as planned?

• Are there issues in my past such as unresolved grief, loss, abuse or trauma that I have not adequately dealt with? If so, how do I plan to address and deal with those issues?

Reprinted from the December/January 2009 issue of Adoption Today magazine. Click here for a pdf file of the article.

Here are a few resources that offer more information about neurotransmitters:

The Connected Child (Chapter 10 – Supporting Healthy Brain Chemistry)

Created To Connect Study Guide (Chapter 10 – Supporting Healthy Brain Chemistry)

The Neurochemistry of Fear DVD (available for purchase from the TCU Institute of Child Development)

Show Hope and Empowered To Connect are partnering to present the Empowered To Connect Conference on September 10 & 11, 2010, in Nashville, Tennessee. This two day conference will be hosted at Covenant Presbyterian Church by longtime Show Hope board members and friends of the Chapmans, Dan and Terri Coley.

The Empowered To Connect Conference will feature two tracks with sessions and workshops led by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Michael & Amy Monroe. All participants are highly encouraged to attend sessions on both days, and professionals will be eligible to receive CEU credit for their participation in the conference.

Day One of the conference is specifically designed for those focused on serving and supporting others, including social workers, agency professionals, church staff and ministry leaders, counselors, therapists, adoption and orphan advocates, and others involved in adoption and foster care ministries or services.

Day Two of the conference is tailored to the needs of adoptive and foster parents (pre- and post-adoption and foster care).

The conference will run from 9:00 am to 5:00 pm each day. Light refreshments will be provided during breaks, with “on your own” lunch breaks scheduled from 12:00 to 1:30pm.

Visit www.showhope.org/connect for more information.  Online registration will also be available there soon.

You can download a pdf file of the entire study guide or individual chapters below:

• Created To Connect Study Guide (entire 77 page study guide)
• Introduction
• Chapter 1 – Hope and Healing
• Chapter 2 – Where Your Child Began
• Chapter 3 – Solving the Puzzle of Difficult Behavior
• Chapter 4 – Disarming the Fear Response with Felt Safety
• Chapter 5 – Teaching Life Values
• Chapter 6 – You Are the Boss
• Chapter 7 – Dealing with Defiance
• Chapter 8 – Nurturing at Every Opportunity
• Chapter 9 – Proactive Strategies to Make Life Easier
• Chapter 10 – Supporting Healthy Brain Chemistry
• Chapter 11 – Handling Setbacks
• Chapter 12 – Healing Yourself to Heal Your Child

Watch this brief video to hear Dr. Purvis explain the heart behind Created To Connect:

As an adoptive dad, like all adoptive parents, my tendency is to focus on the miracle, blessing and joy of adoption – and rightfully so. These are the undeniably beautiful realities of the adoption journey. But they do not negate the equally unavoidable reality that there is no adoption without loss and pain. Adoption is at the same time born from and a response to hurt, loss and sorrow.

Last night I saw through my son’s tears and heard in his words the deep, heartbreaking grief that lurks in the shadows of adoption. It was an intense sorrow caused by the loss he feels and understands now more than ever before. My son’s grief is for that which never was and for what will never be.

In trying to carefully walk a fine line between honestly telling about our adoption journey and protecting what is, after all, his story to tell, I dare not share the details of what was said. But it was all too clear that he has now come to an age where the facts of his past no longer merely equate to a story that he feels some amount of curiosity, confusion and even sadness about. The books told us this would begin to happen at his age – for some children more than others. And yet, nothing could have fully prepared me for the flood of thoughts and emotions as I saw his grief come crashing in. The loss and pain of his broken past are now more fully his loss and his pain. His heart was breaking and as he cried I felt so helpless – I felt so small. There was nothing I could say and little I could do other than take turns with his mom holding him close and listening, being sure to acknowledge each and every emotion and longing he expressed.

The adoption journey certainly has its share of loss and pain for everyone involved. Our journey to our son has pain and loss, and even grief, but it is not the same as his. In that sense, we share the same adoption with him, albeit from different perspectives, but we do not fully share his same journey. As I held him close I so desperately wanted to tell him that I understood what he was thinking and feeling . . . and God knows I wanted to, but I can’t. Not truly. He knows it and so do I. As a result, all we could offer him was our reassuring presence to help him run toward the loss and pain, not away from it. To help him own the grief that he feels, and to own it redemptively.

As a dad everything in me wants to protect my son from such grief. As an adoptive dad, this grief can appear as an unwelcome intruder seemingly intent on pushing he and I apart – reminding us both of “another” as if to suggest the need for him to make an impossible choice. But I choose to believe that his grief can bring us closer together. By choosing to let go of my desire to hold exclusive claim to my son’s love and loyalty; by choosing to see myself not as an all-sufficient substitute for what he has lost, but rather as an imperfect father dependent on God’s grace to love him well, then, and only then, can I offer my son what he needs most, especially in the midst of his pain and grief.

I find that there is beauty in the pain and I know there is meaning in the grief. As a result, we will do our best to weave this pain and grief into the story that we tell and re-tell, being sure not to miss the beauty or overlook the meaning. But last night as I fought against my instinct to try to make the pain and grief go away, all I could do was hold my son in my arms and reassure him that I love him – all of him. This includes his pain and grief. There was no nice and neat resolution to our time together, no magic words that I was able to speak to make everything better. Instead, as he cried himself to sleep in my arms all I could do was hold him, with his grief, tightly, and remind him that we are both in the arms of another.

This article appeared in the April 2010 issue of Adoption Today.  Click here to download and print the article.

During this webinar Dr. Purvis addressed important questions and issues such as: who is a child from hard places; how to encourage the development of trust and secure attachment; effective ways to correct behavior; how to handle transitions; and many more.

Click here to launch the audio and slide presentation for the webinar.  (Note: There were soem minor technical issues during the audio recording.  We apologize for the distractions during the presentation.)

The webinar is offered by Adoption Learning Partners and the response has already been tremendous. Space is limited so be sure to register soon!

Latest Update:  You can click here for a link to the audio and slide presentation for the webinar.