In this brief 20 minute talk, Dr. Purvis shares some fascinating insights about the way in which we were created by God to connect. As revealed in Scripture and confirmed by science, all humans are designed as relational beings. Yet ‘children from hard places’ have missed out on so much of the nurture and development that is ideal and serves to build a strong foundation of trust early in life. As a result, adoptive and foster parents must be committed and uniquely equipped to lead these children toward healing.

https://s3.amazonaws.com/Audio-ETC/Reflecting+Your+Child%27s+Preciousness+-+Karyn+Purvis+(CAO+Summit+VII+-+2011).mp3

Find out more about Summit VIII on May 3-4, 2012, at Saddleback Church in Southern California.

Below is the short video (Still Face Experiment by Dr. Edward Tronick) referenced by Dr. Purvis in her talk:

Watch as Michael Monroe talks about some of his experiences with this, and encourages parents to look beyond the “mad” in order to help their children begin to identify, express and deal with their true feelings of sadness.

Be sure to also read Lisa Qualls’ article, Seeing Beyond Mad to the Real Sad.

I need to stop.

This is the crucial moment when I need to stop the “mad cycle” and see it for what it really is.

She is sad.

Sadness has woven its way into her life in ways you and I can hardly imagine. Imagine her in an orphanage as a small child feeling sad; there is no mommy to say, “Honey, come sit with me. Let me hold you.” No, when she was sad, she learned that it felt much better to be mad. Mad felt good, sad felt overwhelming and unending.

She lived where there were few adults to carefully watch over her and guide her through her feelings, so she protected herself by being mad. How did she cope? She turned away from the adults and became bossy toward the other children. She felt some relief from the sorrow that had been building up in her heart. She was in control once again; nobody could hurt her.

She kept account of wrong doings, slights, and disappointments, which she carefully filed in her mind. She could hold a grudge like nobody’s business. Stories of days of refusing to speak to a certain teacher or nanny were told to us. Refusal to eat, work, or make eye contact were not uncommon for her.

Then she joined our family and we saw a child who was easily angered, tried to control the other children, and was stubborn beyond reason. And disrespect? We weren’t sure she even knew she was supposed to respect us because she sure didn’t act like it.

When I remember where she has come from, I can see past her “mad” to the real “sad.” I can hold myself in a nurturing mode and keep building those bonds of attachment. I can speak the truth to her: “Honey, you look angry, but I can see that your heart is actually feeling sad.” This is often all it takes to break through the mad.

Recently we had a moment just like this. I talked frankly with her about my love for her, the love of Jesus, and His power to heal her sadness. I encouraged her to let go of her “mad,” even if it meant feeling those deep sad feelings. She turned her eyes from me and I waited. It wasn’t long before she said, “Mommy, I’m sorry. Please forgive me for being so naughty. I know you love me. I’m just sad that my Mom died and you never had your Mom die so you don’t know how bad it feels.”

Her “mad” turned to “sad” –- we’re making progress.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about authentic and healthy independence and how parents can best foster this with their child.

Watch as Dr. Purvis explains the impact of fear and how parents can begin to help their children learn to trust and let go of fear.

For more insight about the impact of fear, read Chapter 4 (Disarming the Fear Response) of The Connected Child, as well as Chapter 4 of Created To Connect: A Christian’s Guide to The Connected Child.

●  Handout for The Attachment Dance

●  Handout for Empoweing Our Kids to Succeed: Understanding Sensory Processing and the Neurochemistry of Fear

●  Handout for Foundations for Behavioral Change

Flemons explains in the article her initial aversion to Band-Aids given the tendency of many kids to over-rely on the simple first aid supply that lacks any real inherent healing characteristics. I can relate. However, as I continue to learn more about the important and complex subject of attachment, I have discovered that Band-Aids are actually a highly relevant tool – literally and metaphorically – for adoptive and foster parents as they seek to help their children heal from the effects of their past. Writing about the experience with her 10 year old daughter who they adopted less than a year ago from Ethiopia, Flemons noted that she had learned two important things: “Children have pain beyond what we can see, and Band-Aids are not just physical objects.”

In fact, attachment researchers have concluded that the ability for a child to receive (and ultimately to give) nurture is an essential hallmark of healthy and secure attachment. Yet the abuse, neglect and other harms that scar our children’s pasts can impede and even prevent them from being practiced in this skill that is essential for building healthy connections. As Flemons wrote of her daughter, “[her] need for immediate healing has been a satisfying way to begin the slow journey of building attachment . . . The bandage does more than bond child to mother. It is also a way for the mom to apply herself to her child’s wounds, both seen and unseen. With our touch, we heal, protect, and connect.”

This profound insight was still fresh in my mind this past Sunday afternoon. As I was watching another unforgettable pro football game on TV one of my boys passed by me on the way to bathroom. Instinctively, I asked him “What’s wrong?”

“I have a cut on my finger. I need to get a Band-Aid,” he replied.

“Come here, let me see it,” I said. He walked over and showed me what must have been a microscopic paper cut, given that I could not see anything even resembling a cut on his finger. My initial thought was to downplay the need for him to seek care for such a meaningless ‘injury.’ But I was also mindful of the hundreds of little “wounds” to his heart, mind and spirit resulting from his past, many of which are all too easy for me to overlook, dismiss or simply ignore. So in that instant I decided to resist my instinct to dismiss and instead rely on the healing power of a simple Band-Aid applied with love by the hands of a father who is learning what it means to become a Band-Aid Dad.

“Here, let me put that on for you. Should we put a little ointment on, too?” I asked.

“Ok, Dad,” he replied as I applied the first aid. “Thanks. That feels much better,” he said with a smile looking directly into my eyes.

“Glad to hear it. You remember – any time you need something, whatever it is, you let me know. That’s what I’m here for. And one more thing – I love you,” I continued.

I am learning that becoming a Band-Aid Dad is a process. It takes practice and it certainly stretches me at times. But the more Band-Aids I apply to my kids’ wounds – both seen and unseen – the more I am convinced that Band-Aids lovingly applied really can heal.

This article appeared in the April 2011 issue of Adoption Today Magazine.

For more resources to help as parents explore their motivations, expectations and histories, click here.