Fundamental to this real hope is an understanding that our children need a healthy and consistent balance of both nurture (affection, compassion, mercy) and structure (rules, limits, boundaries). Put another way, our children need a balance between connecting (nurture) and correcting (structure). As a result, the challenge is to identify what your child is really saying and what your child really needs. If we give a child structure (rules and correction) when she needs nurture (affection and mercy), we damage her ability to trust. If we give a child nurture when she needs structure, we limit her ability to grow. Therefore, we must learn to see our children and understand what they need in all of their being.

I believe this is similar to how God relates to us as His children. Using a balance of both nurture (His tender mercies) and structure (His guiding hand directing and correcting), He kindly, yet firmly, leads us into a right relationship with Him. I love the way The Message reflects the words of Paul in describing how God handles us, His children: “God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change” (Romans 2:4). As parents, we too must lovingly, intentionally and firmly take our children by the hand and lead them into a relationship of trust and healing. It is through this process, and as a result of this renewed relationship, that we and our children will discover real, life-changing hope.

*Excerpt from Chapter 1 of Created To Connect: A Christian’s Guide to The Connected Child.  This study guide companion to The Connected Child can be downloaded for free.  Printed copies of the study guide are also available for purchase.

Now I know as soon as I say this, some will think I am advocating that we should “feel sorry” for our kids or that we should be permissive and let misbehavior slide because of their history or where they came from.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, could be farther from the truth.  Compassion is not pity or even sympathy, and it never means that we allow what’s less than best for our kids to become good enough.  Instead, compassion involves empathy; but true compassion is so much more than just a feeling. 

We focused on this all-important subject of compassion in Chapter 2 of Created To Connect, where we talked about true compassion being essential for adoptive and foster parents to be all that God has called us to be in the lives and healing journeys of our kids.  True compassion is love in action, and it is beautifully illustrated in the kind of love that Paul describes as being the “greatest” in 1 Corinthians 13.  It is the kind of love I once heard described as “wanting what’s best for another and being committed to pursue it, no matter what the cost.”  Properly understood and rightly lived, there is nothing permissive or easy about this.  Compassion is hard – at times very hard – but I am discovering that it is always the answer.

For me as a mom having compassion for my kids means that I must be willing to ‘enter in’ to their world and meet them right where they are, even as I refuse to let them stay there.  Having compassion for my kids means that I must embrace all of them and honestly acknowledge their history, their pain and their challenges, while never allowing their past (or mine) to be an excuse for pursuing anything less than God’s best for our future together.  Having compassion means that I must continually look inward and honestly examine my own heart, even as I depend on God as the source of all healing and transformation.  Having compassion means I must lay down my pride, selfishness and self-centeredness, and die to myself daily as I give myself away time after time for as long as it takes.

As I read through the pages of scripture there is no escaping the abounding and relentless compassion of God.  I am loved by a forgiving and gracious God that is slow to anger, abounding in love and compassion.  So too must my parenting be informed, motivated, infused and overflowing with this same kind of compassion. 

I am encouraged that so many other moms are discovering this too – moms like Jen and Colleen.  As I ‘listen in’ on their thoughts and struggles, I know that I am not alone…but as hard as it is I am convinced we are headed in the right direction.  Don’t get me wrong, the learning, the understanding, the principles, the discipline strategies – those are all important aspects of being the parent that God has called me to be.  But I can only be a true reflection God’s love to my kids…I can only love and train them well if I answer every question, address every issue, overcome every challenge and meet every need with compassion.

The kids were home for Christmas break and one son in particular was being more than a handful.  This was very uncharacteristic for him.  The first day we thought it was simply childhood Christmas excitement.  By the second day, we were beginning to lose our patience.  When I arrived home this day my wife was almost at her wits’ end.  Nagging, whining, crying, bugging siblings, arguing, you name it.  But why?  Didn’t he know Christmas was almost here?  Had he forgotten that Santa was “making his list and checking it twice?”  Wasn’t he aware of how much mom and dad had to do in order to get ready for Christmas?  For so many reasons, now was not the time for him to be acting this way.

What I did next doesn’t come naturally to me.  Try as I might to ‘practice what I preach,’ I admit that my default reaction to situations like this is to ‘lay down the law.’  But something told me there was much, much more going on than simply bad behavior.  Call it what you will, I like to think of it as my God-given “adoptive dad instinct.” So I said to my son, “Let’s go for a walk.”  And after a little cajoling, he agreed and so off we went.

We walked for a while engaged in nothing but small talk.  Eventually I changed the subject.  “So what’s going on?” I asked. 

“Nothing,” he answered. 

“Of course,” I thought sarcastically to myself.  But I persisted.

“Mom says you’ve really been acting up the last few days,” I continued.  He nodded in agreement.  “That’s not really like you.  Is something wrong?  Are you worried about something?  Maybe upset about something?”

This time he shrugged his shoulders and just kinda hung his head and shook it side to side, ever so slightly.  I’d seen that look before.  It told me I was on the right track.  And then he gave it away. 

“Do I have to tell you?” he asked.  This is the tell-tale question he always asks when he has something he really needs to talk about, but is a little afraid to bring it up.  More often than not the subject is adoption-related.  So I gave him the response I always give when he asks me this question.  “Of course you don’t have to, but you know I always want to hear what you are thinking – no matter what it is.”

And then he practically blurted it out.  “Dad, Christmas just stinks!” he exclaimed.  “I know I am supposed to love it and be having fun, but I just hate it.  I really do.”

It instantly occurred to me that somehow I managed to have the only elementary school-aged child in all of America who actually hates Christmas.  But I quickly asked the obvious question, “Why?”

“Because it makes me really sad,” he said. “It makes me think about my birthmom and my birth family.  I wonder what they are doing.  Do you think they think about me?”

“I bet they do,” I replied.  “No…I am sure they do.  And did you know something else?  You’re not the only kid that thinks Christmas stinks because of that very same reason.”

“I’m not?” he said, finally slowing down to look directly at me. 

I grabbed his hand and we continued.  “No.  You know Ms. Melanie who was adopted when she was a little girl?” I asked. 

“Yeh,” he replied. 

“She’s told me a million times that lots of special occasions, like Christmas, birthdays, even Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, are really hard for her.  She even has a special name for those times that make her kinda sad and make her think of her birth parents and her birth family.  She calls them ‘trigger moments.’  This happens a lot for people who were adopted, and not just when they are kids.  She says that even though she is an adult, it still happens for her sometimes,” I explained.

I’ve always heard the expression “the weight of the world being lifted off of your shoulders,” but I don’t think I’d ever literally seen it happen until this moment.  It was though he realized in an instant that everything he had been feeling and thinking was not only “ok,” it was also very real and quite normal.  And the fact that I was understanding, even if it could not fully understand – that was all he seemed to need.

Our walk lasted over an hour as we continued talking about what he had been feeling and processing over the past several days.  We talked about how it was “ok” to feel these things, but it wasn’t “ok” to act the way he had been acting.  Instead, he needed to find a way to talk with mom or me about it.  As important, I assured him we would do a better job of being available for him, especially during times like these.

I can’t honestly say that I truly understand all that he must have been feeling or thinking in his little heart and mind.  And frankly, the connection between all of that and his behavior still somewhat alludes me.  But I know that his feelings are very real. 

Amidst all of the tinsel and lights and despite the excitement of being out of school and the anticipation of the gifts and fun of Christmas day, the reality is that my kids – not unlike other kids who were adopted – still have profound losses that cannot be erased and must not be ignored.  And sometimes, even against their own wishes, their past and what they have lost comes crashing in.  Even at happy times like Christmas.

In the face of all this, my job – whether at Christmas, on birthdays, on Father’s Day or whenever – is to always be available for my kids.  To be open and willing to listen and talk, and allow all of who they are to become part of our holidays and special occasions.  As we do this, I realize more and more that rather than taking away from these happy times, embracing them and all of their past allows them to be more fully present – and allows us, as a family, to be more connected as we move forward. 

After learning from my son why Christmas stinks sometimes, I no longer look at Christmas quite the same as I once did.  But of course I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Click here for a PDF of this article published in the December 2011 issue of Adoption Today.

For further reading on this subject (sometimes referred to as “traumaversaries”), read this article — Traumaversaries: Lessening the Impact of Adopted Children’s Annual Triggers.

Watch as Michael Monroe explains what it means for parents to give their children the gift of voice.