Question:  My child is struggling in the classroom and is being sent to the principal’s office on a regular basis. He refuses to do some of the art class activities, has melt-downs in music class and withdraws during some class activities. To make things worse, standing in the school lunch line today he punched a child in the stomach and was sent to the prinicipal’s office to sit for the rest of the afternoon (nearly 3 hours!). What can I do?

Response:  Even though the school is handling this situation as a behavior issue, what you are describing sounds a lot like sensory processing issues, formally called Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). While it must be formally diagnosed by a trained and experienced occupational therapist, many clues about the disorder are accessible online at websites such as the ones listed below.

Obviously, the school classroom is a high-risk environment for many of our children. Because so many of our children have sensory processing issues, the noise, clutter and chaos of the classroom provide an overwhelming sensory assault. If your child has consistent problems with sensory experiences such as Play-Doh, finger paints and noisy environment (such as music class), responding to these experiences with fight (aggression), flight (withdrawing) or freeze (“checking out”) behaviors, you may want to explore the possibility that your child has some level of sensory processing disorder. It is common in a significant percentage of children generally, and is even more prevalent among children who experienced a difficult pregnancy, difficult birth or any type of post-natal trauma.

There are many quality resources that offer initial guidance to help you decide whether or not to seek further professional assistance from an experienced occupational therapist. We often recommend a book by Carol Kranowitz, The Out of Sync Child. You can find more resources from Carol Kranowitz at her website: http://www.out-of-sync-child.com.  Also, for episodes such as the ones you mentioned with your son misbehaving in the school lunch line there are sensory stories in the form of coloring book pages to help children identify and deal with challenges they face in the school environment (for example, being bumped repeatedly in the school lunch line).

Here are some other great online resources to help parents understand and respond to sensory processing issues.

Symptoms of SPD

How does SPD affect learning?

Taking care of yourself when your child has special needs

Sensory Stories (click on the “Demo” link at top for a free download)

The first link, Symptoms of SPD, provides a helpful checklist for children of various ages that will give parents some initial screening information. The second link, from Carol Kranowitz’s website, contains an article about how SPD affects a child’s learning in the classroom. The third link is an article by Carol Kranowitz focusing on how parents can do “self-care” in the midst of their child’s challenging behaviors. The final link is to the Sensory Stories website. As noted above, the story of a child in the lunch line is available for free download. Others have a small cost.

We hope these resources are helpful to you as in your journey to advocate for and better connect with your child!

Question:  We returned home with our child (adopted internationally) about 3 weeks ago. We are finding the adjustment much more difficult than we expected. For example, she is nearly 10 months old and is still not sleeping through the night. In addition, she cries what seems like all the time and is very irritable and unhappy in general. Frankly, it is making it very difficult for us to feel bonded with her and we are growing frustrated and tired. What are we doing wrong and what should we consider in order to get things back to normal?

Empowered to Connect Team Responds:  The question about your daughter is very familiar. We understand your frustration and can only imagine how tired – physically and emotionally – you must be, not only from that past three weeks, but the recent international travel and even from the adoption process you were involved in for what is likely many months.

In dealing with this, however, it is helpful for parents to think in terms of the grief process that occurs for children when they leave all that is familiar and all that they know to come home to families in the US. That is most certainly what your daughter has recently experienced. Thinking in terms of her experience, there have been drastic changes in everything that was comforting and familiar to her – language, voices, faces, foods, smells, sounds – virtually everything! In addition we know from research that moving a child between 8 and 12 months of age, the period of time when their first attachment is forming, is one of the most critical periods of time in all of child development. As a result, she will need lots of nurturing, loving care in order to bridge the shocking change that happened “overnight” for her (although you and your wife have been planning it for a long time).

In order to help her make this transition during this critical time, we encourage families to stay at home for a minimum of 30 to 40 days with a new child, but prefer three months when possible. During this time, your daughter’s needs should be the primary focus. In meeting those needs consistently and lovingly, you are helping her settle in for a lifetime and giving her a foundation and a practical understanding of what it means to be part of loving, forever family!

So our encouragement to you is to hold her when she cries, take time with her in the night … because these next three months offer the best opportunity for teaching her trust and for helping her develop a secure and healthy attachment with you as parents. Developmentally, this is when she will learn trust (“my parents will meet my needs”), self-worth (“my needs are met – I must be precious!”) and self-efficacy (“my cries matter – someone comes when I cry!”). These months are without a doubt the most important days you will ever spend with her.

With that in mind, we hope that you are encouraged that the “return” on your investment is not all that far away – and you and your daughter will certainly be the better for you having made it.

In order to help parents find some of the answers they need, we are launching a series called Common Questions and Concerns.  Over time we will address many of the questions and concerns that parents and caregivers have, and offer practical and proven advice to help them respond in ways that build and strengthen the connections with their children.

Our first post in the Common Questions & Concerns series deals with the issue of fear, and how parents can effectively help their children address and overcome their fears:

Question:  My son (age 6) recently had a very traumatic experience.  He and his brother were swimming in the lake and playing on a small raft when a gust of wind swept through.  He was on the raft holding the rope when the wind came and lifted the raft off the water throwing him off and into the water.  The water was only 2 to 3 feet deep and neither of them was injured (thankfully), but they were of course very, very scared.

I am not sure what to do now.  My son told me that he is never, ever going back in the water.  I know that many parents would push to get him back on the proverbial horse (and into the water) as soon as possible, but given my son’s history of trauma and his struggles with fear I wonder if that is the proper approach for him.  He loves the water and I don’t want him to lose that joy or the great sensory feedback he gets from it.

Thanks so much for any advice you can give.

Empowered to Connect Team Responds:  You are right in wanting him to get back in the water soon so that he doesn’t lose his love for water and lose the nurturing sensory aspects of this type of play. You are also right to be so sensitive to this situation and his reaction.  It can be easy to dismiss situations like this as “no big deal” but for many of our kids, with their histories and experiences, things like this are a “big deal” and will continue to be so until we have helped them work through their fears. 

Especially knowing how easily fear overtakes him, there are several primary types of encouragement that come to mind to help him recover from the trauma of this experience.  We’ll mention them here in brief, and then elaborate below.

First, find creative, safe ways for him to “tell the story” of what happened. Second, brainstorm about a “magic feather” that would empower him. Third, but most important, becoming his swimming partner for a while, until the fears pass.

First, letting him tell his story about what happened (over and over if necessary). Maybe even go to a family friend’s swimming pool or a public pool where he feels safe, and in the course of swimming, or while sitting on the side of the pool having a snack, or an ice cream cone on the way home, let him tell the story about what happened and about his fear. We know that when children can give voice to their fears, they can begin to gain mastery over them. For many children, telling their story occurs best in the context of movement (like swimming in a swimming pool, or playing a card game, taking a walk, riding a bike, etc.) In addition, for many children, telling their story is easier with a “distractor” (such as eating an ice cream cone, or making a special snack or meal together). Of course, we also know that attending to sensory issues and blood sugar issues will help support the cognitive and emotional process of telling his story.

Second, think about some type of “magic feather.” Remember the children’s story of Dumbo (the elephant with large ears who could fly)? In the story Dumbo he needed something that made him feel confident and empowered until he realized that he could in fact truly fly? As in the movie, there’s no real “magic” to the “magic feather.” Instead the “magic feather” simply represents a tool to help your son address and overcome his fears. You could think of many examples of “magic feathers” – maybe a heavier raft, or some type weather alert watch, or practicing a safety-escape plan – that could help to empower him and help him to feel safer and more in control.  Your son may be able to help you find just the right “magic feather” that helps him re-gain his confidence and overcome his fear.  Try asking him, “What would make you feel safer when swimming in the lake?” Sometimes just the ritual of buying a special item helps promote a sense of empowerment. It certainly helps a child feel “heard” about their pain and fear.

For example, my (Dr. Purvis) eight-year old grandson’s pet snake, Billy Bob, died unexpectedly, leaving my grandson feeling sad and also guilty and fearful that he was somehow responsible for his pet’s death. We went to the school supply store and bought journals, came back to my house (turned down the air conditioner because it was 95 degrees outside!) built a fire in my fireplace, and we spent the evening journaling together in front of the fire. He would talk about it for a while, write about his feelings for a while, and then when he was “saturated” on the topic of death we would talk about something else for a while. I let him set the pace, but over the course of our evening together his journal (his “magic feather”) became an empowering tool to help him release his sadness and fear. Also, and very importantly, I was writing in my own journal with him about a source of sadness and loss in my own life – in essence modeling the process.  So as he was healing and becoming empowered, so was I.

Third, but absolutely most important, assure him that you and/or his father are going to swim with him and his little sister as long as he needs you to. Of course, this takes a great deal of intent and planning on your part, but it is worth it.  Consider having the children holding hands between you and your husband (all four holding hands with a parent on each side) and walking into the water together, then staying close – as close as the children need you, for as long as they need you.  Maybe you can even learn some new water games, or let them teach you their favorites; or maybe even buy a few new water toys the family can play with together. By “wading back into the water” with him, you will undoubtedly help to restore his confidence and allow him to address his fears, even as it builds connections and sense of deep trust between you (as parents) and him.

In the end, your goal is to help him overcome his fears and rediscover the joy (and therapeutic benefits) of playing and swimming in the water. Sometimes it is helpful to use “gimmicks,” “gadgets,” and “gizmos” as transitional tools for helping children heal, but we are always decidedly aware that these things are only bridge-making tools.  The true healing for our children only comes in safe, loving, relationships with nurturing, attentive, and tender parents. While we use these bridging mechanisms, the ultimate message we want our children to hear, understand and take to heart is that we are there for them when they need us, in the ways they need us, for as long as they need us!