In this brief video, Dr. Purvis explains why it is important for parents to set thier child up to succeed, and she talks about some practical ways parents can begin to do that.

As an adoptive dad, like all adoptive parents, my tendency is to focus on the miracle, blessing and joy of adoption – and rightfully so. These are the undeniably beautiful realities of the adoption journey. But they do not negate the equally unavoidable reality that there is no adoption without loss and pain. Adoption is at the same time born from and a response to hurt, loss and sorrow.

Last night I saw through my son’s tears and heard in his words the deep, heartbreaking grief that lurks in the shadows of adoption. It was an intense sorrow caused by the loss he feels and understands now more than ever before. My son’s grief is for that which never was and for what will never be.

In trying to carefully walk a fine line between honestly telling about our adoption journey and protecting what is, after all, his story to tell, I dare not share the details of what was said. But it was all too clear that he has now come to an age where the facts of his past no longer merely equate to a story that he feels some amount of curiosity, confusion and even sadness about. The books told us this would begin to happen at his age – for some children more than others. And yet, nothing could have fully prepared me for the flood of thoughts and emotions as I saw his grief come crashing in. The loss and pain of his broken past are now more fully his loss and his pain. His heart was breaking and as he cried I felt so helpless – I felt so small. There was nothing I could say and little I could do other than take turns with his mom holding him close and listening, being sure to acknowledge each and every emotion and longing he expressed.

The adoption journey certainly has its share of loss and pain for everyone involved. Our journey to our son has pain and loss, and even grief, but it is not the same as his. In that sense, we share the same adoption with him, albeit from different perspectives, but we do not fully share his same journey. As I held him close I so desperately wanted to tell him that I understood what he was thinking and feeling . . . and God knows I wanted to, but I can’t. Not truly. He knows it and so do I. As a result, all we could offer him was our reassuring presence to help him run toward the loss and pain, not away from it. To help him own the grief that he feels, and to own it redemptively.

As a dad everything in me wants to protect my son from such grief. As an adoptive dad, this grief can appear as an unwelcome intruder seemingly intent on pushing he and I apart – reminding us both of “another” as if to suggest the need for him to make an impossible choice. But I choose to believe that his grief can bring us closer together. By choosing to let go of my desire to hold exclusive claim to my son’s love and loyalty; by choosing to see myself not as an all-sufficient substitute for what he has lost, but rather as an imperfect father dependent on God’s grace to love him well, then, and only then, can I offer my son what he needs most, especially in the midst of his pain and grief.

I find that there is beauty in the pain and I know there is meaning in the grief. As a result, we will do our best to weave this pain and grief into the story that we tell and re-tell, being sure not to miss the beauty or overlook the meaning. But last night as I fought against my instinct to try to make the pain and grief go away, all I could do was hold my son in my arms and reassure him that I love him – all of him. This includes his pain and grief. There was no nice and neat resolution to our time together, no magic words that I was able to speak to make everything better. Instead, as he cried himself to sleep in my arms all I could do was hold him, with his grief, tightly, and remind him that we are both in the arms of another.

This article appeared in the April 2010 issue of Adoption Today.  Click here to download and print the article.

Dr. Karyn Purvis introduces Empowered To Connect’s Insights & Gifts video series. This 16 video series focuses on seven insights and seven gifts for parents who adopt or foster children from hard places.

Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about the importance of parents exploring their expectations and motivations, as well as the impact that their own history can have when parenting children from hard places. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about the need for adoptive and foster parents to simplify their lives in dramatic ways in order to help their children adjust, build trust and develop a strong connection. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis encourages adoptive and foster parents to provide familiarity and continuity for their new child, including familiar foods and smells, elements of their native language and culture, and, where appropriate, contact with familiar people. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis focuses on the importance of proximity, healty touch and gentle eye contact for children from hard places. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis talks honestly about the need for adoptive and foster parents to expect trauma responses from their child. While long-term challenges, of various kinds, should be expected, Dr. Purvis reminds parents that there are many answers that can provide hope and healing. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis reminds parents of the complex array needs of children from hard places. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis explains that children from hard places need a balance of both nurture and structure in order to feel safe, develop trust and heal. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis explains the importance of giving voice to children from hard places and how parents can do that. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about why children from hard places need nurture and how parents can best provide it. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis explains the importance of sharing appropriate levels of power with children from hard places to help them learn to trust and to heal. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about the importance of predictability for children from hard places, and how parents can help children know what to expect. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis encourages parents not to be afraid of their child’s feelings and instead allow their child to openly discuss and process their feelings. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis focuses parents on the need to use playful engagement to help disarm their child’s fear response and to enable a stronger connection. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about the importance of parents taking care of themselves in order to be able to be fully present for their children to help them heal. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Dr. Karyn Purvis concludes Empowered To Connect’s Insight & Gifts video series. This series focuses on seven insights and seven gifts for parents who adopt or foster children from hard places.

In this brief video Dr. Purvis offers helpful insight about the importance of giving voice to children as well as some practical ways parents and caregivers can go about doing this.