Watch as Michael Monroe explains what it means for parents to give their children the gift of voice.

For more insight about building an effective team to better love and serve your child, read Lisa Qualls’ article, It Takes a Team.

Let me share some of the members of our team in the hope that it may encourage you to think about the
support your family needs.

Health Care Providers
Before adoption I was a mom who rarely gave her children Tylenol; today we have a team of four different clinics at Seattle Children’s Hospital that care for our children. We travel there at least once every three months for appointments and sometimes more frequently. We also have an occupational therapist, dentist, optometrist, and the occasional quick care doctor on our team as well. Two of my children take medication twice a day, every day. And after a few false starts, I finally developed a monthly prescription refill schedule to manage the challenge of staying on top of medications.

School
Before adoption we were a homeschooling family, and we did not anticipate school outside the home would become part of our lives. But after our adoptions we discovered that it was what two of our children needed, so we’ve added teachers, room moms, and classmates to our lives. A couple of our children need some extra help in school, so that leads me to…

Tutors
Since arriving home our girls have had several wonderful tutors who helped them catch up on language skills. Last spring I hired a “homework helper” who helped us through the end of the school year, including all of those pesky projects like dioramas. The combination of school still being new, English not being their first language, and simply being behind on their education means the girls need extra help, so tutors have become an important part of our team.

Therapists
We are blessed to have an amazing therapist for our children. We travel regularly for appointments, requiring a significant sacrifice of time and finances, but the benefits for our children and our family continue to be remarkable. Before adoption I never imagined we would need the help of a therapist, but today I cannot imagine our team without this experienced and compassionate member of our team who really understands trauma, attachment, and grief.

Therapeutic Adults/Respite
We have special friends who are very much part of our team, providing loving, secure care for our children. My dear friend (fondly known as Aunt Michele) and her family are a key part of our daughter’s team. Every Wednesday afternoon, she goes home from school with Aunt Michele and stays until after dinner. Michele and her husband understand our daughter’s needs and how to help her grow and mature in a healthy way. This relationship is a key part of her healing and a great source of help for us as parents.

In addition, a young couple in our church recently began offering respite to us. They love children and have the experience, education, and compassionate hearts to care for our daughter. This is an answer to prayer.

Extended family can also be a critical part of a family’s team, but sadly for us, we don’t have any family that lives near enough to be involved with our children on a regular basis. If you have family near, I encourage you to seek their help and support even as you help them to understand what your children need and how to effectively provide it.

Helpers
I mentioned that last spring I hired a “Homework Helper” (a high school girl) for two of my daughters. She greatly helped to alleviate much of the “after school pressure” we all were experiencing. This past summer I also had a helper who took the kids to the park, on hikes, and even on a trip to the store to buy flip-flops. I’ve also had a young woman clean my house a few times; a luxury I never allowed myself before.

If you have children who are old enough to babysit, you may not see the need to hire helpers. However, we have learned that there are times when we need to lift the burden off of our older children as well and not rely too heavily on them. In addition, we have one child we generally don’t leave in the care of siblings because it is stressful for everyone.

Hiring helpers is difficult for families whose budgets are already stretched caring for our children. A gift from somebody who loves us has made it possible. We’ve come to understand that it is important for us to “invest” in our children and our family now, so that we don’t “pay later” when the problems are more severe and everyone is completely exhausted.

Church and Youth Ministry
We are very thankful for the blessings we receive from our church and particularly the people committed to loving and teaching the youth. Until recently, we did not attend a church that had a youth group and we saw no need for it. One of the many changes in our lives has been leaving our church of ten years to join a church that fits our family better. Not only do our children from “hard places” benefit from the love our church family shows them, but so do our other children.

Whether you are just beginning to prepare to bring new children into your family or you adopted years ago, I encourage you to take time to think about what your family’s needs might be. Perhaps you have extended family or good friends who can become a more integral part of your team, but you simply need to invite them to join. Maybe you need to seek out a therapist or meet with a teacher to invite them to join your team to help your children heal and grow. Regardless, let me encourage you to lay down any excuses or pride that may be holding you back from seeking help and building a team to provide your child the love and care that he or she needs. Don’t try to tough it out and make it on your own. Create your “team” starting today, and let others hold you up when you are weary. Everyone will benefit more than you can imagine.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis encourages parents to ‘count the cost’ as they engage the adoption and foster care journey in a way that leads to true hope and healing.

Click here for more Empowered To Connect resources that focus on helping parents ‘count the cost’ of the adoption and foster care journey.

I need to stop.

This is the crucial moment when I need to stop the “mad cycle” and see it for what it really is.

She is sad.

Sadness has woven its way into her life in ways you and I can hardly imagine. Imagine her in an orphanage as a small child feeling sad; there is no mommy to say, “Honey, come sit with me. Let me hold you.” No, when she was sad, she learned that it felt much better to be mad. Mad felt good, sad felt overwhelming and unending.

She lived where there were few adults to carefully watch over her and guide her through her feelings, so she protected herself by being mad. How did she cope? She turned away from the adults and became bossy toward the other children. She felt some relief from the sorrow that had been building up in her heart. She was in control once again; nobody could hurt her.

She kept account of wrong doings, slights, and disappointments, which she carefully filed in her mind. She could hold a grudge like nobody’s business. Stories of days of refusing to speak to a certain teacher or nanny were told to us. Refusal to eat, work, or make eye contact were not uncommon for her.

Then she joined our family and we saw a child who was easily angered, tried to control the other children, and was stubborn beyond reason. And disrespect? We weren’t sure she even knew she was supposed to respect us because she sure didn’t act like it.

When I remember where she has come from, I can see past her “mad” to the real “sad.” I can hold myself in a nurturing mode and keep building those bonds of attachment. I can speak the truth to her: “Honey, you look angry, but I can see that your heart is actually feeling sad.” This is often all it takes to break through the mad.

Recently we had a moment just like this. I talked frankly with her about my love for her, the love of Jesus, and His power to heal her sadness. I encouraged her to let go of her “mad,” even if it meant feeling those deep sad feelings. She turned her eyes from me and I waited. It wasn’t long before she said, “Mommy, I’m sorry. Please forgive me for being so naughty. I know you love me. I’m just sad that my Mom died and you never had your Mom die so you don’t know how bad it feels.”

Her “mad” turned to “sad” –- we’re making progress.

I had spent the better part of an entire week using her strategies of “connecting while correcting” with all four of my kids. They were all out of school for the summer, and looking back I must have been crazy to try this when they were home all day. By the end of that week I was literally exhausted — physically and emotionally. I never imagined that this “connecting while correcting” would take so much time and energy. Threatening to put my kids in “time out” or taking something away was so much easier than this.

So when I called Dr. Purvis I pretty much told her that she was crazy and that this approach of hers would never work for us. I know what you are thinking — who am I to tell the expert that her methods didn’t work? Pretty bold, huh? But she was very gracious and reminded me about the part of the book that talked about this thing called “investment parenting.” She also reminded me that she never promised this would be easy or that it was a magic formula that would work overnight. She reiterated that it would take time and there were no shortcuts — at least none worth taking. Most importantly, she emphasized that it would take both Michael and me being ruthlessly consistent in applying this approach. So with that encouragement I went back to “practicing” again.

It’s funny sometimes that parents forget how important practice is, especially when it comes to using parenting strategies that focus on connecting even while we are correcting. How many times as children did we hear our parents remind us that “practice makes perfect”? And how many times have we said the same thing to our children. But for some reason, as parents we forget this. While we are quick to remind our kids to practice their soccer or baseball, piano or dance, math facts or spelling words, we rarely apply the same discipline when it comes to us “practicing” our parenting.

Three years after I called Dr. Purvis to let her know she was crazy, I am still at it, daily practicing how to connect with my kids in every situation, especially those that call for correction as well. Oh, I still get it wrong plenty of times, and sometimes I even have to say “I’m sorry” (something that doesn’t come easy for me as a mom, but that’s another subject for another day). I guess practice doesn’t actually make perfect after all, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t important.

As I have continued to practice over these last few years I have seen remarkable changes in my kids and their behaviors, and in me as well. My kids and I are much more connected than before, and what I was certain would never work is changing our family for the better.

Amy Monroe writes a regular column – A Mother’s Heart – on the Tapestry blog, where this article originally appeared.

Watch as Amy Monroe explains the importance of practice for both parents and children.

Read Parenting Take Practice to learn more about Amy’s experience in learning the importance of practice in parenting.