Susan recently recounted a recurring issue she was dealing with at home with her six-year-old son, Seth, whom she adopted from foster care. The situation was becoming increasingly problematic and was causing a great deal of frustration. It involved outright defiance, but it started with a simple pair of socks.

Getting ready for school can be a challenging undertaking. Kids are cranky, parents are rushed—the whole routine is a recipe for disaster. While getting ready for school, Susan asked Seth to give her his socks so she could help him put them on. Somewhat playfully (but also to push her buttons), Seth threw the socks toward her. Following the advice of the therapist that her adoption agency referred, Susan immediately placed Seth in time out for six minutes (the number of minutes that matched Seth’s age). The therapist also instructed that if Seth did not act appropriately while sitting in time out, Susan was to add another six minutes for each instance of misbehavior.

The morning that Seth threw the socks he ended up sitting in time out for more than 40 minutes! The next morning, he sat in time out nearly as long. Susan readily acknowledged the harm Seth had suffered in the past and that developmentally he was not yet as capable as his age might suggest. But she was equally convinced that Seth knew what he was doing and knew that it was wrong. He was being defiant and, according to what she had been told, it was imperative that she put an end to it.

After several days of this type behavior (at different times during the day), Susan finally called another mom in the adoption ministry at her church to get her take on the problem. This other mom suggested the possibility that the punishment Susan was imposing didn’t really “fit the crime,” and although Seth certainly should not be allowed to be defiant, there may be a more effective way to remedy the situation.

Her suggestion for Susan was simple and straight from The Connected Child. She suggested that Susan use playful engagement and “re-do’s” in response to Seth’s sock-throwing defiance (and similar infractions). Rather than treat it as a capital offense, this mom encouraged Susan to simply allow Seth to “try it again” while using a playful tone and cadence in her voice and a non-threatening posture. Ignoring the advice she had been given by the therapist regarding time outs, Susan began responding to sock throwing incidents and other situations with as much playful engagement as the situation would allow. She began offering Seth a chance to “try it again” while keeping the mood as playful as possible, but without allowing any misbehavior to go uncorrected. She was immediately encouraged by the results.

Of course, this approach didn’t work immediately on every occasion. Sometimes, Seth would have to “try it again” a few times before he got it right. But all in all, Susan found this to be a far more successful approach. What’s more, dealing with Seth’s defiance in this manner didn’t lead to frequent escalation and prolonged battles like before.

Although playfully engaging and offering “try it again” opportunities was time consuming in its own right, Susan wasn’t as frustrated and drained as she was before. Not all acts of defiance are created equal and certainly no one response is right for all situations. But it is important for parents to remember what Susan discovered—although defiance and misbehavior are serious business, our response can become an avenue to deeper, more joyful connection.

To learn more about some of the topics dealt with in this story, consider the following Empowered To Connect resources:

• Creative Ways to Help Your Child Learn New Behaviors
• Give Your Child Playfulness
• Parenting Strategies that Connect

To learn more about the importance of playful engagement and how parents can use it to both connect and correct, check out the Playful Interaction DVD from the TCU Institute of Child Development.

In this presentation, Dr. Purvis explains how harm during the critical stages of brain growth can cause significant disruptions in a child’s development and behaviors, and offers strategies to overcome these challenges. This insightful and educational presentation is designed for parents, ministry leaders and adoption and foster care professionals alike.

You can order the DVD online from the Institute of Child Development for a price of $30 (plus shipping). To view a preview of the DVD, click here.

Dr. Karyn Purvis and her colleagues have developed some basic scripts to help parents (and other caregivers) teach children essential relationship skills and important life values. Rather than immediately resorting to lectures, consequences or punishments, this approach actually gives your child practice at “getting it right.” By using these scripts consistently to both teach and reinforce, you have the opportunity to correct while connecting and a result truly help your child begin to overcome the effects of his/her past and together move toward a more hopeful and joy-filled future. 

Also, as you use these scripts, be sure to find playful and creative ways to teach relationship skills and life values to your child. Be sure to watch Creative Ways to Help Your Child Learn New Behaviors for some practical ideas.

In this brief video, Dr. Karyn Purvis explains why it is important for parents to find creative ways to help children from hard places learn life values. She also provides a helpful demonstration of one of these creative approaches involving the use of puppet play.

In order to further help your child learn and practice important life values, download these Life Values Scripts and begin to use them consistently with your child. Also, as your child’s “coach” remember to look for creative ways (such as puppet play, skits or other playful approaches) to help your child “practice” these skills.

Dr. Karyn Purvis spoke at the 2010 Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Conference in October 2010, where she shared her insight and practical advice about how parents can effectively connect with older children.  You can listen to the audio from this session below:

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/wp-content/uploads/Connecting-With-Older-Children.mp3

You can also download the Insights & Gifts Discussion Guide free of charge.  This discussion guide was designed primarily for use in a small group setting where parents have the opportunity to openly share and learn from others.  However, we believe that parents will also find this video series and the discussion guide beneficial for individual use or together as a couple. 

After viewing each of the Insights & Gifts video segments, participants are encouraged to thoughtfully consider and discuss the Questions for Discussion in the discussion guide.  We have also included additional questions for each segment, Questions for Going Deeper, that require a bit more self-evaluation and vulnerability, as well as some suggestions for additional resources that may be helpful. 

We pray that parents (and parents-to-be) will be greatly blessed and encouraged by the Insights & Gifts Video Series and Discussion Guide.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis introduces Empowered To Connect’s Insights & Gifts video series. This 16 video series focuses on seven insights and seven gifts for parents who adopt or foster children from hard places.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about the importance of parents exploring their expectations and motivations, as well as the impact that their own history can have when parenting children from hard places.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis focuses on the need for adoptive and foster parents to simplify their lives in dramatic ways in order to help their children adjust, build trust and develop a strong connection.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis encourages adoptive and foster parents to provide familiarity and continuity for their child, including familiar foods and smells, elements of their native language and culture, and, where appropriate, contact with familiar people.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis highlights the importance of proximity, healty touch and gentle eye contact for children from hard places.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis talks honestly about the need for adoptive and foster parents to expect trauma responses from their child. While long-term challenges, of various kinds, should be expected, Dr. Purvis reminds parents that there are many answers that provide hope and healing.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis encourages parents to remain mindful of the complex needs of children from hard places.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis explains the need for parents to provide children from hard places with a balance of both nurture and structure in order to help them feel safe, develop trust and heal.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis explains the importance of giving voice to children from hard places and how parents can do that.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis explains why children from hard places need nurture and how parents can best provide it.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis explains the importance of sharing appropriate levels of power with children from hard places in order to help them learn to trust and to heal.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about the importance of predictability for children from hard places, and how parents can help children succeed by enabling them to know what to expect.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis encourages parents not to be afraid of their child’s feelings and instead allow their child to openly discuss and process his feelings.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis focuses parents on the need to use playful engagement to help disarm their child’s fear response and to enable a stronger connection. This video is part of the Insights & Gifts video series provided by Empowered To Connect.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about the importance of parents taking care of themselves in order to be able to be fully present for their children to help them heal.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis concludes Empowered To Connect’s Insight & Gifts video series. This series focuses on seven insights and seven gifts for parents who adopt or foster children from hard places.

IDEAL stands for:

I – Immediate
D – Direct
E – Efficient
A – Action-based
L – Leveled at the behavior (not the child)

This is a highly effective strategy for parents to use in order to both correct behavior while staying connected with their child.

Dr. Purvis and the TCU Institute of Child Development are developing a new set of DVDs — the Healing Family Series. This series is a follow-on resource to the Institute’s existing Lecture Series DVDs, featuring lectures by Dr. Purvis on a wide range of topics.

When complete the Healing Families Series will include nine professionally produced educational DVDs enabling professionals, families and caregivers to develop skills in dealing with children from hard places. This DVD series will address basic elements of the Institute’s work and include topics such as Sensory Integration, Facilitating Behavioral Change, Parent-Child Attachment and Nutritional Neuroscience.

Video footage from various Institute programs is blended with lecture materials to provide clear demonstration of the skills and information discussed. The DVDs are an important way of disseminating the Institute’s findings, and will greatly enhance its capacity to reach parents of developmentally impaired children and the professionals that support them.

Healthy Touch and Playful Interaction are the first two DVDs from the Healing Family Series, and are already available for purchase. Additional DVDs in this series will be available over the coming months.

In addition, this year’s Tapestry Conference will once again feature speakers from TCU’s Institute of Child Development.  Tabatha Gunn will lead a session entitled Making Sense of Sensory Issues, while Dr. Karyn Purvis will be featured during the general session with a talk entitled The Connecting Link: What Parents Need to Bring Healing to Their Children.

We hope that you can attend this year’s Tapestry Conference.  However, if that is not possible we will provide future updates as to how you can obtain CDs, DVDs and other materials relating to the conference.  In the meantime, be sure to check out resources from past Tapestry Conferences.