Empowered To Connect » Trauma

What Every Adoptive Parent Should Know

Michael Monroe — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 15:19:12 +0000

In order to truly understand children from hard places — what they have experienced, the impact of those experiences and how we can help them heal and grow — it’s important that we understand some of the basics. That’s why we have put this collection of eight Empowered To Connect videos together — to introduce (or re-introduce) you to some of the most important basics that we believe every adoptive parent can benefit from.

Check the Expiration Date on Your Compassion

Michael Monroe — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 21:30:27 +0000

We recently moved out of our house to remodel the downstairs after experiencing a water leak. In the process, I was forced to confront one of the more unwelcome tasks of moving – cleaning out the pantry. In doing so I discovered that we had somehow collected enough random cans of food to survive for months, if not years. That was, of course, if we didn’t mind eating Spaghetti O’s that expired the same year my six-year olds were born! I’m ashamed to admit it, but I had more than a few expired food items lining the shelves.

As I look back on our adoption journey and I listen to the challenges of other adoptive and foster parents, it occurs to me that many of us view compassion for our children in much the same way as we would that old can of Spaghetti O’s. The honest truth is that for many of us, our compassion for our children – for the trauma and harm they suffered, the pain and loss that flows from their past and the lingering effects of their history – has an expiration date. All too often we think in terms of “they’ve been home for six months…they should not be doing that still” or even “they’ve been home for five years…they should know better by now.”

Trust me, I understand these thoughts. I’ve had (and still sometimes have) them myself. But here’s the problem – unlike the food in the pantry that eventually goes bad or the milk that spoils, my children need parents whose compassion always stays “fresh.” What I’m learning is that compassion – true compassion – does not have an expiration date. This should come as no surprise. We see it in Scripture over and over again. The Lord is “full of compassion,” His “compassion never fails” and His “mercies are new every morning.” And looking to the example of Jesus, we see his heart of compassion for those he encountered, especially the suffering and the lost.

Just as we are loved by a God who is compassionate and whose compassion does not fail, we must also be willing to approach our children with compassion in each and every moment. Not only when they first come home, but also years later when some of the fears and behaviors ”still” have not yet disappeared.

This is what Dr. Karyn Purvis refers to in The Connected Child when she encourages parents to make compassion their touchstone. I’m learning that compassion is essential to faithfully walking the adoption or foster care journey precisely because it is essential to me connecting with my children. Far from pity or even mere sympathy, compassion is a response of genuine love in action as I learn to see my children’s behavior for what it is, even as I never lose sight of how truly precious they are. It is what sustains me as I meet them where they are time and time again, and as I gently take them by the hand and lead them away from fear and toward trust, healing and connection.

So let me encourage you to check the expiration date on your compassion. Like me, you may find that yours has expired. But the good news is that we are loved by a God of grace whose compassion for us is new every day. No matter where you are in the journey, it is not too late to start again and to renew your love for your child with a compassion that will last a lifetime.

Amy Monroe writes a regular column – A Mother’s Heart – on the Tapestry blog, where this article originally appeared.

To read more about compassion and its importance in connecting with your children to help them heal, read Chapter 2 (Where Your Child Began) from Created To Connect: A Christian’s Guide to The Connected Child.

Engaging Food Battles with Connection in Mind

Michael Monroe — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 14:25:09 +0000

Food battles can be challenging for any parent, and especially for adoptive and foster parents. Many children from hard places struggle with food-related issues and parents are often at a loss to know how best to respond to these challenges.

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis offers insights to help parents engage “food battles” while keeping connection in mind.

Expect Long-Term Challenges

Michael Monroe — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 13:25:24 +0000

Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis talks honestly about the need for adoptive and foster parents to expect trauma responses from child that come from hard places. While long-term challenges of various kinds should be expected, Dr. Purvis reminds parents that there are many answers that offer hope and healing. This video is part of the Insights and Gifts video series, which includes a small group discussion guide that you can download here.

Adoption from the Inside Out

Michael Monroe — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 22:44:24 +0000

One of the most often overlooked aspects of the adoption and foster care journey is the need for parents to turn the focus on themselves in terms of dealing with their own past hurts and losses, looking honestly and realistically at their motivations and expectations and learning what it means to be “fully present” with their children. In fact, approaching the journey in this way — what we call “Adoption from the Inside Out” — is necessary if parents are to help their children experience healing and transformation.

In this audio presentation Michael & Amy Monroe speak to a group of adoptive and foster parents (and parents-to-be) at a Tapestry event about what it means to approach the adoption and foster care journey from the “inside out.” This process requires that parents be willing to look back and make sense of their own past, look forward and honestly examine their motivations and expectations, in order to be free in each and every moment to be “fully emotionally present” with their children to help them heal and become all that God has created them to be.

In addition to listening to the audio, you can also follow along with the slides and handouts for this presentation.

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/wp-content/uploads/Adoption-from-the-Inside-Out-Audio.mp3

Counting the Cost: Preparing for the Adoption Journey

Michael Monroe — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 18:55:54 +0000

Dr. Karyn Purvis was one of the keynote speakers at the 2010 Together for Adoption Conference in Austin, Texas. During her talk, she encouraged the nearly 1,000 participants that were gathered to “count the cost” as they prepare for and travel the adoption or foster care journey. This brief 30 minute talk is highly relevant and challenging for all adoptive and foster families, as well as for churches wanting to wade into the waters of adoption and foster care ministry.

http://empoweredtoconnect.org/wp-content/uploads/Counting-the-Cost_-Preparing-Churches-for-the-Adoption-Journey.mp3

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

Michael Monroe — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 14:00:46 +0000

It is Sunday afternoon and the back of my tired minivan sits open as we load backpacks, pillows, and fleece blankets. I kiss my other children goodbye and Russ hugs me firmly, imparting a bit of extra strength for the day. My two daughters buckle in their seats and we head west, they watching a movie or sleeping, me with one ear bud in my ear as my iPod plays.

We drive through rolling hills of wheat fields, then range land, followed by orchards. As evening approaches, we finally reach the Columbia River and merge onto I-90 heading toward Snoqualmie Pass where I pray there is no snow. Three hundred miles after we’ve begun, we reach Seattle and our friends’ home, where they will graciously host us yet one more time. In fact, we’ve made this identical trip 24 times this year.

What could possibly make me give up two days every other week, drive 600 miles round trip each time, and spend large sums of money? Hope and help for my children.

When we adopted our four children, we knew it would be challenging, but we were confident in our ability to help these new little ones. We had years of parenting experience under our belts, and for heaven’s sake, I even had a degree in Psychology from a Christian university. Surely we could handle anything that came our way.

We were wrong.

A day came when Russ and I looked at each other and knew that we could not go on without significant changes for our family. I scanned every adoption book I owned, but my brain was so stressed that I could hardly grasp the words on the page. I made dozens of phone calls to anybody I thought might help. Some felt our situation was too extreme, others said they didn’t have experience with attachment issues. Our only concrete help came from a doctor who offered to hospitalize our child. While I understand that sometimes this is a family’s only option, we did not feel it was right in our situation.

I cried – a lot. I hated to see Russ walk out the door in the morning and he felt guilty leaving me. After 18 years of successful homeschooling, we finally enrolled our new daughters in the local public school – something I never imagined doing. School became a lifeline for us and we were thankful every day for the teachers who provided structure for our girls and gave me respite. They will never know what those months meant to me.

Finally I called an adoption medicine clinic in the northwest and spoke with a social worker. She immediately made an appointment for us to see one of the doctors and I had my first glimmer of hope. These people knew adopted kids; maybe they would have some answers.

That appointment was pivotal. The doctor, an adoptive mother herself, listened and understood. I cried telling her that I felt unable to go on, yet I believed with all my heart that God had great plans for my daughter and that I didn’t want to miss out on what He had in store. She gave me hope and told me that she would do all she could to get us into one of the best adoption therapists in the entire country.

It took six months, but the day came when we made our first Sunday trip for a Monday morning appointment. Russ and I poured out the story of our past two years to the therapist and she understood it all – our stories were not new to her, they were her life’s work. Thus began our ongoing commitment to appointments in Seattle.

If you find that life with children from “hard places” has become more than you can bear, I urge you to get help. Don’t wait as long as we did; seek help early. Sadly, good help is very hard to find, so you’ll need to dig deep, make calls, send emails, see doctors, and pursue every lead that comes your way. The result may be frequent appointments, driving long distances, or even flying to see an expert who agrees to help you. It may come at great expense in time and finances. I can say with conviction that it is worth it — it is absolutely worth it.

As Christians we are called to love others, even the very unlovely. Jesus told us that we must lay down our lives to follow Him and if He has called us to the ministry of adoption, then we must lay down our lives for the sake of our children. We must be willing to follow His leading as we seek help for our children even if it comes at a high price to us.

If you are in that dark place of hopelessness, please don’t despair. Call upon the Lord, and then pick up the phone and find the help you need. If you don’t have the strength, ask a friend to help you. Hold on and wait for the Lord to send you help. He will come to your rescue.

Then you will call for help, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: Here I am. Isaiah 58:9

Lisa Qualls has been married to her husband Russ for over 26 years. They have 11 children who came to them by both birth and adoption. She earnestly believes in the power of God to heal children’s broken hearts and is privileged to participate in the process with her own children. Lisa writes about her life and family for Empowered to Connect (www.empoweredtoconnect.org) and on her blog, A Bushel and A Peck (www.onethankfulmom.com).

FamilyLife Today Interviews with Dr. Karyn Purvis

Michael Monroe — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 13:50:52 +0000

Recently Dr. Karyn Purvis was interviewed on the FamilyLife Today radio program. During this three part interview, Dr. Purvis discusses the characteristics of children from hard places, the importance of parents having realistic expectations and tools and strategies that can help parents effectively correct behaviors and develop strong and lasting connections with their children. You can listen to each of these interviews below or purchase a single CD containing all three interviews from FamilyLife.

Listen as Dr. Purvis talks about the realities for children from hard places and encourages parents to “count the cost”:

http://familylife.edgeboss.net/download/familylife/flpod/fl20100322.mp3

Listen as Dr. Purvis talks about the importance of parents having realistic expectations as they begin and travel the adoption or foster care journey:

http://familylife.edgeboss.net/download/familylife/flpod/fl20100323.mp3

Listen as Dr. Purvis offers tools and strategies for parents to help them connect with their children to help them heal and become all that God intends:

http://familylife.edgeboss.net/download/familylife/flpod/fl20100324.mp3

Understanding the Importance of Neurotransmitters

Michael Monroe — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 09:21:30 +0000

Neurotransmitters are the chemical messengers that help our bodies think, feel and move. However, the levels of key neurotransitters in many children from hard places are often too high, too low and/or out of balance. In this brief video, Dr. Karyn Purvis explains the importance of neurotransmitters, both in terms of helping parents gain new insight and compassion for their children and also for understanding how they might begin to address this important issue.

Here are a few resources that offer more information about neurotransmitters:

The Connected Child (Chapter 10 – Supporting Healthy Brain Chemistry)

Created To Connect Study Guide (Chapter 10 – Supporting Healthy Brain Chemistry)

The Neurochemistry of Fear DVD (available for purchase from the TCU Institute of Child Development)

Created To Connect Study Guide

Michael Monroe — Mon, 03 May 2010 15:54:20 +0000

Created To Connect: A Christian’s Guide to The Connected Child was created by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Michael & Amy Monroe to help illuminate the biblical principles that serve as the foundation for the philosophy and interventions detailed in Dr. Purvis’ book, The Connected Child. This study guide is designed to help adoptive and foster parents better understand how to build strong and lasting connections with their children, and is ideal for use in small groups as well as by individuals or couples.

Download the Created To Connect Study Guide

You can download (free of charge) pdf files of the entire study guide or individual chapters:

Created To Connect Study Guide (entire 76 page study guide)

Introduction

Chapter 1 – Hope and Healing

Chapter 2 – Where Your Child Began

Chapter 3 – Solving the Puzzle of Difficult Behavior

Chapter 4 – Disarming the Fear Response with Felt Safety

Chapter 5 – Teaching Life Values

Chapter 6 – You Are the Boss

Chapter 7 – Dealing with Defiance

Chapter 8 – Nurturing at Every Opportunity

Chapter 9 – Proactive Strategies to Make Life Easier

Chapter 10 – Supporting Healthy Brain Chemistry

Chapter 11 – Handling Setbacks

Chapter 12 – Healing Yourself to Heal Your Child

Watch as Dr. Purvis Explains the Heart Behind Created To Connect

Order Printed Copies of the Created To Connect Study Guide

Printed and bound copies of the study guide are available. The cost of the printed study guides is as follows:

1-2 printed copy – $7.95 per copy

3-12 printed copies – $6.50 per copy

13-25 printed copies – $5.00 per copy

26+ printed copies – contact Empowered To Connect for large volume discounts

All of the above costs include shipping.

To place an order for printed copies of the study guide, simply email Empowered To Connect at info@empoweredtoconnect.org and provide your name, church or agency (if applicable), mailing address and the number of printed copies requested. Study guides are shipped each Wednesday unless other arrangements are made.