Building a solid team to help you care for your child is critically important. Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis encourages adoptive and foster parents to build a team and offers suggestions on how they can effectively educate and prepare that team to speak with “one voice” as together you love and care for your child.
I will never forget a phone call I made a little over three years ago to Dr. Karyn Purvis. I had just finished reading her book, The Connected Child, and I was so excited to start “practicing” what I had learned. Little did I know that I was taking a step that would lead me (and our entire family) on an incredible journey.
I had spent the better part of an entire week using her strategies of “connecting while correcting” with all four of my kids. They were all out of school for the summer, and looking back I must have been crazy to try this when they were home all day. By the end of that week I was literally exhausted — physically and emotionally. I never imagined that this “connecting while correcting” would take so much time and energy. Threatening to put my kids in “time out” or taking something away was so much easier than this.
So when I called Dr. Purvis I pretty much told her that she was crazy and that this approach of hers would never work for us. I know what you are thinking — who am I to tell the expert that her methods didn’t work? Pretty bold, huh?
If I am honest I have to admit that in many ways I dread summer. In Texas, where I live, summer means heat – at times sweltering heat. While I do not particularly like the bitter cold of winter, the heat can be downright oppressive. One hundred plus degree days in June, anyone? I guess I am a “highs in the low 70’s, blue skies and gentle breeze all year round” kind of girl.
Summer also means kids, as in all four kids, all day long, every day – or at least that’s how it feels. Only a few years ago, before they were all in school, that didn’t bother me so much, but now it can feel, well, completely overwhelming at times. So the other day I was a little convicted when I was talking with a friend and she told me how excited she was that summer had arrived. Don’t get me wrong, getting to sleep a little bit later and having the option to be lazy all day long is great. But the whining, arguing and the overall opportunity for more conflict among the kids and between me and them – none of that is all that great.
As an adoptive dad I’ve come to the place that I can easily acknowledge that all of my kids are a little different in some way or another. Different than what, you ask? I’m not entirely sure, but I know that they are different.
As I listen to dads who don’t share the adoption or foster experience, I realize how normal being an adoptive dad is. I can relate to almost everything they talk about because I’ve experienced it myself. But I know that there are more than a few things about my experience as an adoptive dad that these other dads can’t relate to. I am generally ok with that. Most of the time I don’t really think about my kids being different. It is just who they are, and a part of who we are. But every once in a while I notice it, and it can leave me feeling a bit misunderstood and even isolated, except among other adoptive parents.
“Typical” is the word that seems to have replaced the word “normal” in the world of adoption and foster care. This is probably for good reason. After all, children that have backgrounds involving trauma, abuse, abandonment and institutionalization aren’t abnormal, but they often don’t develop in the same way and at the same pace as a “typically developing” child.
In March 2011, Tapestry hosted an event entitled Connecting While Correcting. This event focused on helping adoptive and foster parents understand the need for connecting with our children, even when correction is required.
Amy & Michael Monroe began the event by presenting some of the key concepts and strategies that can equip parents to connect while correcting. Click here to download their presentation. The second half of the event featured a panel of adoptive and foster parents who shared their experiences and what they are learning as they seek to connect while correcting.
https://s3.amazonaws.com/Tapestry/Connecting+While+Correcting+Audio+(Tapestry+-+March+2011).mp3
Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis talks honestly about the need for adoptive and foster parents to expect trauma responses from their child. While long-term challenges, of various kinds, should be expected, Dr. Purvis reminds parents that there are many answers that offer hope and healing. This video is part of the Insights and Gifts video series, which includes a small group discussion guide that you can download here.
Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis talks about the importance of predictability for children from hard places, and how parents can help children succeed by enabling them to know what to expect. This video is part of the Insights and Gifts video series, which includes a small group discussion guide that you can download here.
One of the things I’ve learned in my journey as a mom is the need for me to raise the level of nurture I bring to parenting in order to help my children build trust. My children need to trust that I will consistently meet their needs in ways that help them understand that they are precious and that their voice matters. Telling them I will meet their needs helps them to “know it;” showing them (over and over and over again) helps them experience it and learn to trust.
I’ve learned that one of the best ways to accomplish this is to give my children as many “yes’s” as I can. It is through my “yes’s” that I can best give my kids this gift of trust. In order to improve in this area, during a recent Saturday at home with my kids I committed to giving them as many “yes’s” as possible. Trust me, this wasn’t easy, but I need the practice and they need this gift. Throughout the course of that day I was intentional about catching myself before each and every “no” I was about to give. As I stopped to think every time I considered saying “no,” I asked myself a simple question: Can I give my child a joyful “yes” instead?
The Institute of Child Development at TCU has created a nearly two-hour presentation available on DVD in which Dr. Karyn Purvis explains her research-based approach with children who come from what she calls “hard places.” This DVD offers a very helpful overview of the three principles that serve as the foundation of Dr. Purvis’ approach to help parents better understand how to connect with their children in order to help them heal and reach their highest potential.
In this presentation, Dr. Purvis explains how harm during the critical stages of brain growth can cause significant disruptions in a child’s development and behaviors, and offers strategies to overcome these challenges. This insightful and educational presentation is designed for parents, ministry leaders and adoption and foster care professionals alike.
You can order the DVD online from the Institute of Child Development for a price of $30 (plus shipping). To view a preview of the DVD, click here.
The mission of Empowered To Connect is to offer hope and help to adoptive and foster families. We believe that one of the most effective ways to accomplish this over the long-term is to encourage and equip churches to create healthy and holistic adoption and foster care ministries. And in order for our churches to do this, they must be willing to provide education and practical support for families in the post-placement phase of the adoption and foster care journey. This is a big challenge no doubt; but it is one that our churches must rise to meet.
Dr. Karyn Purvis and Amy Monroe recently led a webinar entitled The Post-Placement Journey, where they offered insights and resources to equip adoption and foster care ministries to help families meet the challenges of loving, nurturing and building strong relationships with children from hard places.